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​I had a hard conversation today. The talk was over, nothing really changed. It was difficult to see that although I prepared and prepared and even asked others to pray, the outcome was clear. The person made it clear. They will only look at things that they can see and understand in their world. There was no interest to step into mine, they didn’t want to understand or ask questions about my side.
They could not see I tried to seek to understand by entering their world and believing from them the best.
I left free and at peace, but I also felt grief. I was sad to see, the person didn’t see me. 
As I walk near a wise young man (my son), he said mother what happened, why the look of sadness you so clearly carry. I told my son I feel great about a conversation today, for I did my best, I think that is what God will say. I feel at peace, so much order is surreal, yet there is a sadness in me that is making me grieve. I am sad about the outcome of the conversation today, in the end, it was clear, they were unwilling to change.
My son looked at me with compassionate eyes; he said I love you, mom, and it is clear you are sad. But you did your best, just remember you can’t win them all. And just like that, I realize that the grief I felt had nothing to do with my friend, but it was because the reality is, I cannot win them all.

​Today, I was sharing with my husband that recently I've been feeling more confident. Not the kind of confidence that says, "look at me, I am so awesome." It's a confidence that is extremely aware of all my weaknesses, faults, and a dark side, and yet despite all that, I know I am wonderfully made. I still have days when I am down or compare myself to others (this can be a daily struggle). Days when I don't feel beautiful, get panic attacks, and so much more. But somehow I am ok with that. I am learning that I can have those weaknesses and be amazing. Honestly, it is a confidence I never believed was possible to reach. 

I shared with him how years ago that one of the therapists shared something with me during my early days of seeking therapy. I would go into these sessions, not looking forward to the hard work. It seemed pointless to open wounds that, from my perspective, were healed because I ignored them. I honestly only went to therapy because I was tired of my body tossing me back and forth, tired of not knowing when an attack will come. So I trusted the professionals who said that therapy will help. Anyway, this therapist told me that I could either be like the fish going with the current or the salmon running upstream. She said that from her perspective, I was choosing to be the salmon as I sought healing. I did not understand the Salmon part, all I got was I have a choice, I can either go with the current or swim upstream. I chose to go upstream because going with the current was not getting me anywhere. This conversation happened over 15 years ago. I said I never understood the salmon thing... he said with excitement, "I can tell you what she meant." He explained how salmon, as they return to their birthplace, have to face a lot of stuff coming against them, not just the current of the water but also predators such as bears, big birds, etc. He then showed me a video. As I watched it, my response went from "Wow, that's awesome" to covering my eyes from the screen as I saw how many salmon got eaten. I quickly said (thinking of myself as the salmon), "If I knew all that I would have to face, I would have chosen to go with the current." 

One of my fears is the unknown, recently God has taught me that sometimes He keeps things from me because He knows if I saw what's coming, I would focus on myself and not on His power. I am still swimming upstream. I'm learning that the goal is not to be a better person but to find emotional sobriety, make fewer mistakes, forgive, etc. Those are all part of the "current" I must go through just as the current of injustice, someone not believing in me, my own sinful nature, and more. I am swimming upstream, and it's not for a temporary reason, but to hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Link to the clip my husband shared with me:
​https://youtu.be/j5pTnejk4s4

​I had an experience I will not forget. With all the recent protests going on to address the injustice toward African Americans, I thought about going to a peaceful protest to be a part of those who are letting their voices be heard. But the truth is, that’s as far as I went. It wasn’t because it wasn’t important; it was more about making it a priority in my list of stuff to do. 
My son, an introvert and can become anxious with crowds, approached me and said, “A few of the seniors from our church are meeting to go to a peaceful protest. I am thinking about it.” The fact that he said he was thinking about it was shocking to me. I asked more questions about what would concern him about going. Without hesitation, he said that his issue was with crowds. I found this as an opportunity to encourage my son to do the best he can. I let him know that I was willing to go with him, and we didn’t have to stay the entire time. He came back after thinking about it and said, yes, he wanted to go. We got ready and, within 20min, walked out of the house and drove there. My husband, my daughter, my son, and I all went. It’s incredible because you would think that I didn’t have anything planned for the rest of the day. I had told my son he can do the best he can, the best I could do was cancel whatever plans I had and support him in doing something that would be out of his comfort zone. 
During the rally before the march, we were asked to do something I did not expect. We were asked to kneel for 8+minutes to think about what George Floyd went through (https://www.nytimes.com/video/us/100000007159353/george-floyd-arrest-death-video.html.) It was a reflective time. During this time, I prayed for various things, including my son. He courageously decided to come out of his comfort zone to support a cause he believed was worth him feeling uncomfortable. After the 8+ were up and we were asked to stand up. I looked back to check on my son, I wondered how he felt as we stood up. I knew this was a lot for him, I walked to him and asked: how are you feeling? He vaguely and with a gazed looked in his eyes, replied, “ok.” Then he slowly began to faint. We quickly had him sit down, and everything that he disliked began to happen. A large crowd gathered around him to provide aid. It was a beautiful thing to me, but for him, it was anxiety-producing. We eventually sat in a corner, away from people.
A friend who was there with us and knew his struggles said, “Gabe, I am so proud of you, you are a hero.” My husband brought the car to us, and as we were in it, with a look of disappointment, he said, I am sorry I could not stay the whole time. I said son, is ok, the fact that you came is amazing, to many who know you, you became a hero. He said, I am no hero, a man died unjustly, this was the least I could do. I wish I could have stayed the whole time. I realized that my son was not looking for admiration or a medal, he just wanted to be part of the solution in the face of injustice. We spoke, and he realizes that he needed to accept that he did his best. My son taught me a lesson that day. When I decide to stand up for something, what is my reason?. Is it because I want to be known as a hero or because I am convinced that I must do something and not just do something but do my very best. Only then will I make a difference, only then will I fight and stand up for what is right regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. 

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​So, when walking with Gabe (we walk about 15-20min 4 times a week between 8:30-9:00am), I discovered his love for animals. As we walk, he would stop to look at them and just enjoy them.  At first, I didn’t understand why we were stopping so much, I didn’t appreciate what he was appreciating. But then I started noticing that repeatedly, the statement “that’s so cool” came out of his mouth as we walked every day. He stated that to the birds’ sound, the squirrels, and the turtle on the street, he had me pull over the car to get to the grass. Every time he sees an animal he likes, he loves everything about it. One of our walks told me, “People think squirrels are dumb but I think they are pretty smart.” When I asked why he began to describe all the great things about squirrels. By the time he was done with his description, I never saw a squirrel the same way. Honestly, because Gabriel is not an “outdoor person”, he is an introvert and, for the most part, is happy just staying inside the house. I expected our walks to be just walking. But It became more than just a walk. Our walks have become a time we both treasure. Even if it’s hard for him to get up and go sometimes😊
 
Yesterday as I was sitting on the deck, getting ready to have my time with God, I remembered his love for animals. I called him to hear the sound of the birds because they were so loud. I knew he would appreciate it. Next thing you know, he said he will sit out here with me. He brought his book and just sat there. I can’t remember the last time he sat with me on the deck. I would have to say, with my other children, “you can join me later” because they will want to talk (which I love talking to them, but I also love my quiet moments). I knew he would be happy just enjoying the moment, and that is precisely what I wanted to do. So even though he was there, my time with God was so amazing. Eventually,  he went to sleep on my arm, so I decided to stay still and enjoy it. This time reminded me of the beauty of slowing down and enjoying the moment and all the beauty that sometimes we can miss because we are don’t take the time to slow down.