​When I write, I love to tell the story. Regardless if someone reads it or not, my goal is to not keep it to myself. I trust that someone will, even if it’s one person, and I am ok with that! That’s why I write. However, sometimes I just want to share stories with my friends via phone who I know will hear me and enjoy it with me. I don’t enjoy writing a story just to tell it unless I am journaling for myself. When it comes to writing something that others will read, I ultimately do it hoping that it will encourage someone else, and that’s reason enough for me. 

The following story is one that I shared with my friend, and it led to an in-depth fulfilling discussion. At the end of our talk, she challenged me to pray about writing this story. Honestly, when I heard this, I chuckled and said ok in a dismissive tone that communicated, I am not doing that. I found no reason to write this story. I was perfectly ok with just sharing it with her. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  My friend, who has known me for a long time, said, “I am serious. I think you need to pray about this and write this because it helped me understand something I never considered.” Now, this was different. Most of the time, her role in my life has been to cheer me on in taking leaps of faith God has made clear I should take. Very rarely does she says to pray about doing something, so I didn’t take her words lightly. I did a quick prayer and started writing, but I realized I felt overwhelmed; not because I didn’t think it was something I needed to write (I thought she was making a big deal of nothing); but, I respect my friend, and I figured I have nothing to lose. So I began.
 
As I began to write, my mind kept going back to my conversation with my friend, and the question she asked at the end of it, “Why is it difficult for us to see the person standing in front of us?” That made me meditate more on our dialogue. So you can understand where the question came from, let me share the story of what happened.

One Saturday morning, my husband and I sat in bed, and we pretended to be on a TV show...actually, let me start over with the actual picture. One Saturday morning, I woke up in one of those goofy moods I can sometimes wake up with. I felt playful, so I looked at my husband and said, “I have a question for you.” For some reason, I wanted to hear him encourage me (now that in itself is a miracle because, in the past, I would feel bad for being vulnerable with what I needed, but God has taught me to be ok to say what I need). Anyway, I asked him to pretend we were on a talk show or something, and the interviewer asked him the following: “You’ve have known Olivia for 28 years, how would you describe her? What can you tell us about it, since you are the one person in this world who sees all of her?” My husband pretended like he took the “microphone” from me and said, “Well Oprah, thank you for having me on your show.  How would I describe Olivia... she is like a drop of water that creates a ripple effect the spreads in all directions.  But what’s different with her, is that instead of the waves getting weaker and smaller as it moves away from the drop of water, it actually gets bigger and has a wide impact. She is amazing.” The interview responded with, “Wow, you paint such an amazing picture of her, but she may have some flaws, tell us what makes her tick, or angry, tells us about her bad side.” (To be honest, I did the second part because as much as I wanted to be encouraged as I received it, it was hard to just enjoy it). His response to my second question was, “Well Oprah, no one is perfect, but she works and changes the area she needs to, so although I can share it doesn’t matter because she changes it anyway.” So there was no escape; I needed to enjoy the encouragement. It could be because I felt uncomfortable from his encouragement or I was so encouraged that I wanted to encourage him that I said “My turn” and I had him ask me the first question, of which I replied, “Well Oprah, I will like to paint a picture for you.  There I was, in a huge forest. I hear a bird with an amazing sound.  It brings joy to not just me but to others also, but I can’t see the bird because there is too much vegetation in the way. The music from its mouth becomes louder and sounds amazing, but I still don’t see it.  Then I realize that the sound is coming from some very tall grass. I have to fight to get the grass out of the way. When I finally create an opening wide enough to get to the birdsong source, I see that it is coming from a beautiful bluebird. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before. It’s gorgeous, amazing, and I am memorized by its beauty.” As I said this last statement, I went from just looking at my husband’s eyes to looking intensely into my husband’s eyes, basking in how much I love him I feel in love with him, I found myself seeing just him. He felt encouraged, and I felt overjoyed about our silly yet encouraging moment.
 
Later I went on a walk with my son when I excitedly shared with him our interaction. I told him what dad replied, he was like, “that’s pretty cool. It makes sense.” But when I shared what I’d said, I was puzzled by his response. “I don’t get your answer” he replied.  I was like, what do you mean?! He then said, “I thought the question was to describe dad, but you did not. Were you trying to extra?” In shock, I was like “No.” I explained how I was describing that I could not see until I dealt with my own junk.  I shared that to describe dad, I had to first share how I got to see him in the first place.  
After thinking about my interview response, he said, “But I thought the question was to describe dad.” Once again, I was like, “I did.” He said, “No you didn’t. You talked about the forest and getting the grass out the way, and then you said he was the bluebird…and that’s it.” A little bulb came on. “I got it. I was supposed to describe dad, not talk about me. I needed to spend more time talking about him, and less time describing my journey.” My son then nodded his approval with a slight smile.
 
As I spoke to my son, I was aware that two things are valid in the stuff I shared with him: I could not see my husband until I deal with my own heart; but it was also true that to describe him, I didn’t need to focus on myself, I needed to focus only on him.

​So, there you have it, that’s what I shared with my friend and after I shared that we spent an hour talking about this idea of really seeing the person in front of us. 
 
As I began to write, I meditated more on the awareness I had just received from my son. I began to think of Adam, the first man, according to God’s word ever created. After created him and then Eve, he describes them as very good (Genesis 1:31). Because I’ve been listening to a podcast (BEMA), it has given me a different way of reading the Bible. It encourages readers to approach the Bible with curiosity, accepting that there is so much we don’t know about God’s mind. Anyway, as I reflected on how God described his creation as good, it made me think about how Adam described Eve. So, I looked it up. I knew he had said she was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, so she shall be called woman. Here is what the Bible says:
 
“Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. “Genesis 2:22-24 NIV
 
When God created people, he said it is good. When Adam saw Eve, he said she is bone of my bone; she shall be called woman (Genesis 3:23).  
God viewed both Adam and Eve as good. God created them for a purpose (Genesis 2:5-15, Genesis 2:18), yet when Adam named Eve, he didn’t focus on her purpose or who created her but on himself. He didn’t focus on who was before him. Adam appears to focus on where Eve came from to name her, instead of who she came from. This makes me wonder: How did he view Eve? 
 
I have always focused on how Eve lured Adam, and that is how sin came, but what if sin was already present, duo to the fact that God created man with the ability to choose. What if, by nature, we can be self-focus? What if Eve just made it visible? Obviously, this is just my own observations as I reflected deeper on my friend’s question, and even though I don’t have the answer to those questions, I am guilty of focusing on myself rather than on who God has placed in front of me at the time.
 
I realize that I had a hard time writing this piece because I was focused on myself, but once I saw the hearts that will be encouraged by reading this, it was easy. 
 
I believe that God allowed my friend to see the hearts that need to read this, I see them too. The ones who are afraid to rejoice with someone else because they don’t want to be forgotten. The ones who sometimes can’t focus on others because they think there won’t be enough time to focus on themselves. Those who have a hard time telling someone else’s story to bring them honor and glory because they are afraid their own story won’t be told. I see them because that can be me. Even though I worked on this, my son’s interaction made it clear that I still can get off the path of really seeing who is in front of me. I want to say to each of you: Don’t worry, God sees you. Sometimes you have to persevere in believing it, especially if you feel ignored, rejected, or abuse.
I find that even though at times it can be a battle to trust that God sees me, I am grateful to be in the struggle because holding to that truth gives me the freedom to understand others more, and that has radically changed my life and my relationships.
 
If you wonder what I answered to my friend’s question, here it is: “I don’t know about anyone else, but for me it’s simple: I need to remember that I am on a journey of self-discovery, a journey of loving myself as God commands.  But while on this journey, I don’t have to forget that there are people around me, and I can take a moment to focus on them.  To see them, to enjoy them, to love them. My journey is not their journey; they have their own journey, and just like me, they need someone to encourage them to not make it about themselves; but to truly see others. So for me, I can tell you that now when I walk by my husband or get a glimpse of him, at times, I say: “Hi my beautiful bluebird” and just like that everything else disappears that moment, the forest around me is gone, and I only see him, and he is beautiful.
 
I wish I could be like this with everyone in my life, but the truth is sometimes in an interaction, I make it about me. Focusing on the person in front of me takes effort. It takes being intentional; at times, it’s not easy because many factors, including my past, my hurts, my losses, myself, etc., can make it difficult, but it’s so rewarding. When I do, I see an indescribable beauty in their imperfections. So, I pray to not become weary in this area because everyone needs to be seen. 

​I had a hard conversation today. The talk was over, nothing really changed. It was difficult to see that although I prepared and prepared and even asked others to pray, the outcome was clear. The person made it clear. They will only look at things that they can see and understand in their world. There was no interest to step into mine, they didn’t want to understand or ask questions about my side.
They could not see I tried to seek to understand by entering their world and believing from them the best.
I left free and at peace, but I also felt grief. I was sad to see, the person didn’t see me. 
As I walk near a wise young man (my son), he said mother what happened, why the look of sadness you so clearly carry. I told my son I feel great about a conversation today, for I did my best, I think that is what God will say. I feel at peace, so much order is surreal, yet there is a sadness in me that is making me grieve. I am sad about the outcome of the conversation today, in the end, it was clear, they were unwilling to change.
My son looked at me with compassionate eyes; he said I love you, mom, and it is clear you are sad. But you did your best, just remember you can’t win them all. And just like that, I realize that the grief I felt had nothing to do with my friend, but it was because the reality is, I cannot win them all.

​Today, I was sharing with my husband that recently I've been feeling more confident. Not the kind of confidence that says, "look at me, I am so awesome." It's a confidence that is extremely aware of all my weaknesses, faults, and a dark side, and yet despite all that, I know I am wonderfully made. I still have days when I am down or compare myself to others (this can be a daily struggle). Days when I don't feel beautiful, get panic attacks, and so much more. But somehow I am ok with that. I am learning that I can have those weaknesses and be amazing. Honestly, it is a confidence I never believed was possible to reach. 

I shared with him how years ago that one of the therapists shared something with me during my early days of seeking therapy. I would go into these sessions, not looking forward to the hard work. It seemed pointless to open wounds that, from my perspective, were healed because I ignored them. I honestly only went to therapy because I was tired of my body tossing me back and forth, tired of not knowing when an attack will come. So I trusted the professionals who said that therapy will help. Anyway, this therapist told me that I could either be like the fish going with the current or the salmon running upstream. She said that from her perspective, I was choosing to be the salmon as I sought healing. I did not understand the Salmon part, all I got was I have a choice, I can either go with the current or swim upstream. I chose to go upstream because going with the current was not getting me anywhere. This conversation happened over 15 years ago. I said I never understood the salmon thing... he said with excitement, "I can tell you what she meant." He explained how salmon, as they return to their birthplace, have to face a lot of stuff coming against them, not just the current of the water but also predators such as bears, big birds, etc. He then showed me a video. As I watched it, my response went from "Wow, that's awesome" to covering my eyes from the screen as I saw how many salmon got eaten. I quickly said (thinking of myself as the salmon), "If I knew all that I would have to face, I would have chosen to go with the current." 

One of my fears is the unknown, recently God has taught me that sometimes He keeps things from me because He knows if I saw what's coming, I would focus on myself and not on His power. I am still swimming upstream. I'm learning that the goal is not to be a better person but to find emotional sobriety, make fewer mistakes, forgive, etc. Those are all part of the "current" I must go through just as the current of injustice, someone not believing in me, my own sinful nature, and more. I am swimming upstream, and it's not for a temporary reason, but to hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Link to the clip my husband shared with me:
​https://youtu.be/j5pTnejk4s4

​I had an experience I will not forget. With all the recent protests going on to address the injustice toward African Americans, I thought about going to a peaceful protest to be a part of those who are letting their voices be heard. But the truth is, that’s as far as I went. It wasn’t because it wasn’t important; it was more about making it a priority in my list of stuff to do. 
My son, an introvert and can become anxious with crowds, approached me and said, “A few of the seniors from our church are meeting to go to a peaceful protest. I am thinking about it.” The fact that he said he was thinking about it was shocking to me. I asked more questions about what would concern him about going. Without hesitation, he said that his issue was with crowds. I found this as an opportunity to encourage my son to do the best he can. I let him know that I was willing to go with him, and we didn’t have to stay the entire time. He came back after thinking about it and said, yes, he wanted to go. We got ready and, within 20min, walked out of the house and drove there. My husband, my daughter, my son, and I all went. It’s incredible because you would think that I didn’t have anything planned for the rest of the day. I had told my son he can do the best he can, the best I could do was cancel whatever plans I had and support him in doing something that would be out of his comfort zone. 
During the rally before the march, we were asked to do something I did not expect. We were asked to kneel for 8+minutes to think about what George Floyd went through (https://www.nytimes.com/video/us/100000007159353/george-floyd-arrest-death-video.html.) It was a reflective time. During this time, I prayed for various things, including my son. He courageously decided to come out of his comfort zone to support a cause he believed was worth him feeling uncomfortable. After the 8+ were up and we were asked to stand up. I looked back to check on my son, I wondered how he felt as we stood up. I knew this was a lot for him, I walked to him and asked: how are you feeling? He vaguely and with a gazed looked in his eyes, replied, “ok.” Then he slowly began to faint. We quickly had him sit down, and everything that he disliked began to happen. A large crowd gathered around him to provide aid. It was a beautiful thing to me, but for him, it was anxiety-producing. We eventually sat in a corner, away from people.
A friend who was there with us and knew his struggles said, “Gabe, I am so proud of you, you are a hero.” My husband brought the car to us, and as we were in it, with a look of disappointment, he said, I am sorry I could not stay the whole time. I said son, is ok, the fact that you came is amazing, to many who know you, you became a hero. He said, I am no hero, a man died unjustly, this was the least I could do. I wish I could have stayed the whole time. I realized that my son was not looking for admiration or a medal, he just wanted to be part of the solution in the face of injustice. We spoke, and he realizes that he needed to accept that he did his best. My son taught me a lesson that day. When I decide to stand up for something, what is my reason?. Is it because I want to be known as a hero or because I am convinced that I must do something and not just do something but do my very best. Only then will I make a difference, only then will I fight and stand up for what is right regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. 

​ 
"So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us.  We speak for Christ when we plead, "Come back to God!" 2 Corinthians 5:20 NLT
 
I am Christ's ambassador.  Definition - an accredited diplomat sent by a country as its official representative to a foreign country.
God is sending me into a foreign land.  There are feelings and emotions I don't always understand, pain that people feel, anger, frustration, the indignation that I can’t possibly comprehend at times.  Despite that, God expects me to go into unchartered territory. As terrifying as that can be, practice 2 Corinthians 5:20 as I enter those places and be willing to plead with people to come back to God. He also expects me to practice James 5:19 and be quick to listen and slow to speak. The only way I can do that is I have to start with me.
 
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31
I have to start with me. I have to take time and reflect on me. Journal and talk to God about all that I feel, transparently speak to Him. He sees all of me, anyway. Let it all out with God. After that, ask God for wisdom in what to do next. My goal is to please him, and I don't always do a good job, but I know it will be worse if I don't seek his guidance through scriptures. I then find a safe place to work through my heart, and as I do that, I can't help to reflect on how God transformed my life. It doesn’t matter at this point how dark something may seem, this space I am now in, leads me to find hope for my self and the people I see.
 
At the age of 23, I was a self-righteous person, a callous woman with little compassion for other people's pain.
Before you judge me, let me tell you about some of my experiences:

• As a kid I was often teased for been black; the color of my skin. The teasing came from all kinds of kids.  Yes, even the dark skin kids will tease if, they were a shade littler than me.  
• I remembered growing up and going to the grocery store and hearing the manager say "pélale el ojo a la negrita" which means "keep an eye on the little black girl." 
• As a child, I saw a lot of physical and emotional abuse around me.  My high school did not hold a graduation ceremony because of "Operation Just Cause," which was the U.S. invasion of Panama. Everything was canceled.  I lived through a city-wide riot in the aftermath of that operation. 
• I was not hired to work in some places when I wanted to work so badly because I did not fit their standard of a "beauty", even though I was hardworking, polite and had good grades. 
• When I moved to the U.S., I heard things like "You are a different kind of black" since I did not understand African Americans' past. 
• I once was preparing to attend a costume party at my husband job; I shared my ideas with my friend and ask for her opinion as well. I still hear her say Queen Nefertiti you should be. Since I had no idea who she was, she laughed and said, “Oh wow! "I can't believe you don't know.  She is an important black queen".  From my perspective, people in the U.S. assume that I should know everything there is to know about black people…especially black people.
• At age 19, a man who could see that I was naive and inexperience took advantage of me a young girl who grew sheltered.  As we were going out, I found out he was married and, when I questioned him, his response was, "Well, you never asked." When I met, my husband can tell you the first questions I asked him was, are you married?
• Once when shopping, I saw my husband get mad, I was surprised I had never seen him like that. I purchased something at a store, and the sales associate thoroughly treated me with no respect.  He practically threw the package at me as if I was a dog.
• While at the grocery with my baby, I went to the register, I thought I had the exact change, but when I counted, I realized that I was missing a few cents so had to give her a bigger bill.  In Spanish, she said to the other cashier, "This woman (she assumed because of my skin color that I had no Hispanic background) can't even count and is now messing me up." In pride and with indignation, I said to her the amount she needed to return to me in Spanish.  Obviously, she was shocked!  She did not expect that a black woman could speak Spanish at all. She proceeded to talk to me as if she had never said anything about me. 
• My husband and I got into an argument because he seemed to suddenly always correct my English.  I didn't know where this was coming from, and I was becoming frustrated.  As we talked, he shared with me that when he was on his work (he was a submariner), and I would call on the telephone, he saw the guys answer the phone and say things like "I can't understand a word she is saying as they laughed and hang up the phone."  When he asked who it was, they said some woman with an accent. He knew it was me… there was no one else there married to a Panamanian. 

 
I think I will stop there, hopefully that paints a picture, to say the least, anyone that wanted to talk about how much they suffered or have a pity party about their suffering was not something I was interested in listening to.
 
In 1996 when my husband and I moved to San Diego, I was asked to engage in personal Bible studies.  The only reason I did that was that I did not have many friends, and I was feeling pretty lonely for friends.
The first goal was to seriously read my Bible, to allow it to speak to my heart, and to decide to live by God's standard.  Only God was able to soften my callous heart.  Scriptures like Ezekiel 36:26-27 represent what saying yes to God, and His word did for me.
 
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."
 
Faith does come from hearing God's message (Romans 10:17).  I saw my confidence grow as God showed me that I was a wretched woman who saw the flaws and wrongdoing of others but had minimal regard for my shortcomings and wrongdoings. God's power helped me to forgive people I never thought I could forgive.  It does not end there, it also taught me how to hate sin but love people.  This is truly a miracle that He performs daily in my heart by reminding me that I am a sinner.  I must wrestle with forgiving, to not hold a grudge, etc. Is a daily battle that sometimes is not won.
 
Oh, how I desire to say that the following scripture represents me.
"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Matthew 9:36 NVI.
I am grateful that I can turn to this scripture every time my heart becomes hard.  Remembering that my hard heart only kept me lost.
 
This week I attended one of my aunt's funeral; she died at 71. She left an amazing impact.  She chose with her husband to raise her family in an area where it is not the most luxurious to reach out to her community.  Many at her memorial service referred to her as "mami" in such an endearing way.  Over and over, I heard them sharing about how much she loved the women and men in her life, regardless of their status in life.  Three months ago, I had another aunt passed away, who also left a fantastic impact on those around her. Their death reminded me that death is inevitable, how we will die is unknown to us.  What matters is what legacy we leave behind, how we carried ourselves.  Did we consider others above ourselves? (Philippians 2:3) Did we do everything we did as working for the Lord? (Colossians 3:23) Did we make a difference by not conforming to the patterns of this world? (Roman 12:2) Did we live with the understanding that our freedom does not mean engaging in harmful behaviors? (1 Peter 2:16) Did we allow God's love to help us overcome our fears, so we stop punishing others or ourselves internally? (1 John 4:18)
I wish I could say I have done all those things and more correctly, but I haven't.  I can say for sure that I am continuing to allow God to renew and transform my mind, and that starts every time I am willing to see the plank in my eye first (Matt7: 5).
 
A few months ago, I read this passage, Luke 22:31-32 NIV.
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
And it dawned on me that Satan wants to sift me as wheat.  But Jesus prayed for me, that's why God shows me the things I need to repent of even though I do not like what I see.  But once I see it and repent, I must strengthen my brothers and sisters with the lesson I learned.
 
During this pandemic, with everything going on in our world, I have been afraid of so many things. Recently, my fear is a racist hurting, more like someone killing one of my beautiful men because of their skin color.  God showed me I fear the inevitable, which is death; I need to remember that I am a disciple of Jesus. I need to focus on loving my family while we are in this world together. As a mother, train my children in the way they shall go and trust God with the rest, live one day at a time. Satan's trick was to keep me fearful and beat down.  He knows that the unknown can paralyze down in my soul.  I am grateful that God showed me that fearing the unknown puts in my back in a place where hope can not grow.

​

​So, when walking with Gabe (we walk about 15-20min 4 times a week between 8:30-9:00am), I discovered his love for animals. As we walk, he would stop to look at them and just enjoy them.  At first, I didn’t understand why we were stopping so much, I didn’t appreciate what he was appreciating. But then I started noticing that repeatedly, the statement “that’s so cool” came out of his mouth as we walked every day. He stated that to the birds’ sound, the squirrels, and the turtle on the street, he had me pull over the car to get to the grass. Every time he sees an animal he likes, he loves everything about it. One of our walks told me, “People think squirrels are dumb but I think they are pretty smart.” When I asked why he began to describe all the great things about squirrels. By the time he was done with his description, I never saw a squirrel the same way. Honestly, because Gabriel is not an “outdoor person”, he is an introvert and, for the most part, is happy just staying inside the house. I expected our walks to be just walking. But It became more than just a walk. Our walks have become a time we both treasure. Even if it’s hard for him to get up and go sometimes😊
 
Yesterday as I was sitting on the deck, getting ready to have my time with God, I remembered his love for animals. I called him to hear the sound of the birds because they were so loud. I knew he would appreciate it. Next thing you know, he said he will sit out here with me. He brought his book and just sat there. I can’t remember the last time he sat with me on the deck. I would have to say, with my other children, “you can join me later” because they will want to talk (which I love talking to them, but I also love my quiet moments). I knew he would be happy just enjoying the moment, and that is precisely what I wanted to do. So even though he was there, my time with God was so amazing. Eventually,  he went to sleep on my arm, so I decided to stay still and enjoy it. This time reminded me of the beauty of slowing down and enjoying the moment and all the beauty that sometimes we can miss because we are don’t take the time to slow down.