A Salmon story.

​Today, I was sharing with my husband that recently I've been feeling more confident. Not the kind of confidence that says, "look at me, I am so awesome." It's a confidence that is extremely aware of all my weaknesses, faults, and a dark side, and yet despite all that, I know I am wonderfully made. I still have days when I am down or compare myself to others (this can be a daily struggle). Days when I don't feel beautiful, get panic attacks, and so much more. But somehow I am ok with that. I am learning that I can have those weaknesses and be amazing. Honestly, it is a confidence I never believed was possible to reach. 

I shared with him how years ago that one of the therapists shared something with me during my early days of seeking therapy. I would go into these sessions, not looking forward to the hard work. It seemed pointless to open wounds that, from my perspective, were healed because I ignored them. I honestly only went to therapy because I was tired of my body tossing me back and forth, tired of not knowing when an attack will come. So I trusted the professionals who said that therapy will help. Anyway, this therapist told me that I could either be like the fish going with the current or the salmon running upstream. She said that from her perspective, I was choosing to be the salmon as I sought healing. I did not understand the Salmon part, all I got was I have a choice, I can either go with the current or swim upstream. I chose to go upstream because going with the current was not getting me anywhere. This conversation happened over 15 years ago. I said I never understood the salmon thing... he said with excitement, "I can tell you what she meant." He explained how salmon, as they return to their birthplace, have to face a lot of stuff coming against them, not just the current of the water but also predators such as bears, big birds, etc. He then showed me a video. As I watched it, my response went from "Wow, that's awesome" to covering my eyes from the screen as I saw how many salmon got eaten. I quickly said (thinking of myself as the salmon), "If I knew all that I would have to face, I would have chosen to go with the current." 

One of my fears is the unknown, recently God has taught me that sometimes He keeps things from me because He knows if I saw what's coming, I would focus on myself and not on His power. I am still swimming upstream. I'm learning that the goal is not to be a better person but to find emotional sobriety, make fewer mistakes, forgive, etc. Those are all part of the "current" I must go through just as the current of injustice, someone not believing in me, my own sinful nature, and more. I am swimming upstream, and it's not for a temporary reason, but to hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Link to the clip my husband shared with me:
​https://youtu.be/j5pTnejk4s4